I have arrived!

Many people in this old world have normal taste buds. You know the type. Taste buds that taste food without the burden of the many negative food related experiences that this author has endured throughout life. Taste buds, that for most of what passes over them, tell the brain, “that’s good”. Those kind of taste buds I do not possess. Oh, for you people who love just about everything that you every find yourself consuming, the life of the picky eater is an utterly foreign concept to you. But believe me, this journey has been its own torture. Yes. I have endured more than fifty years of mostly unsatisfying meals and disappointments of the chemoreceptor type. One of the most unpleasant parts of traveling for me is the unpredictability of meals on the road. Though McDonalds is one of those restaurants that is always decent, and entirely predictable, the fact that a guy should probably not eat that food six or eight times over a weekend prevents me from enjoying those carbohydrate laden meals exclusively.

I am not 100% sure of what the source of this burden actually is. I happen to have been blessed with an olfactory sensitivity second to nobody I have ever known. In my years, I have never had an instance when someone asked, “do you smell that”, and I didn’t. Of course I smell it. I have the sense of smell of a bloodhound relative to the average human. I could smell people arriving at work before I saw them. Literally. Having a great sense of smell is sometimes very handy. Actually, I really like having a great sense of smell. However, perhaps that contributes to the negative nature of most of my eating experiences. Maybe, just maybe the reason my sense of what tastes good is due to the fact that, stay with me now, maybe my taste buds just work a whole lot better than most people. It could be. I don’t know. I guess I could tell myself that so I could feel better about it. Right? This brings me to the reason for this dribble.



I have been, for all of my adult life, in pursuit of the consistent perfectly tasting hamburger. Is that so much to ask? More meat is NOT the answer either! If that was the case, the slab of meat served at Fuddruckers would be my choice. No way. No how. A hamburger is simple and must be perfect in every way. For me there is nothing more satisfying than a nicely cooked hamburger dripping with ketchup, my syrup of choice, and sandwiched between two halves of the perfectly prepared hamburger bun. I can tell you when and where and even the spot where I was sitting in a restaurant when I had the best hamburger of my life. Seriously! I remember at a company meeting eating at an Uno Italian Restaurant in Eden Prairie Minnesota, the very best hamburger of my life. I was on the right side of the open end in a booth sitting directly across from Zack Steven, when that most perfect of hamburgers was served to me that cold March day in 1997. What a burger that baby was! That my friends, was the burger every burger I have had since then has been measured by. The gold standard if you will. A burger to die for, or to live for! Surely this is what manna must have tasted like in the wilderness!

Thick and juicy! An 8 oz. beast that was still a little bit pink in the middle but not really raw inside. The juices flowed with every bite. The juice ran into my whiskers and the ample ketchup I had applied oozed out the sides of that bun! Bun! I failed to detail the bun! WOW! What a bun! That bun was one of those really large soft hamburger buns with a light dusting of flour still on the outside of it. It seemed like it had been steamed prior, though I know that was just all the steam and juices that came from the burger itself. A hamburger bun, not some disgusting big honk ‘in hard roll that would go better with pasta. A grade A Jumbo Hamburger Bun! And the burger! A burger that had not only been cooked to perfection, but was delivered to my table while the juices were still almost bubbling on top of that charred and blackened exterior. Not a reheated miserable excuses of a hamburger that I have had served to me many times in the past. Oh yea. I got it bad. I am a hamburger snob and proud of it! Oh what a thing of beauty that burger was. My lifelong problem is obvious isn’t it?

I cannot get that burger every time even at Uno. I know. Life isn’t fair. The sad reality is that even though I did get the perfect burger from Uno that single time, I have been back and they have never repeated the glory they rained upon me that day thirteen years ago. So. This year, this spring and Summer I began my quest. I am a guy who figures things out. This is what I do. This is who I am. I determined I was going to do what I had always believed previously likely impossible. Making the perfect hamber with my own two hands. Due to the fact that I have eaten homemade hamburgers barbequed by others and myself hundreds of times and have NEVER, not one time ever had even a great homemade grilled hamburger, I just didn’t think it could be done on a grill. This year, I decided I was going to figure this mystery out or die trying. This was my quest.

I knew this was going to be tough if not impossible. There are many factors that go into the perfect hamburger. Here are the critical factors as I see them;

- Choosing the right Hamburger. What proportion of fat makes the best burger?
- Choosing and applying the perfect amount of seasoning.
- Heat. This I think is the most important thing. Heat. Heat. And then yes… more Heat.
- Timing. Cooking the perfect amount of time on each side for the perfect to die for hamburger.

So. I began my quest. After trial and error and I don’t know how many bags of charcoal and less than perfect hamburgers I made throughout the spring summer and fall. However, I have done what I set out to do.

I bought a gas grill and quickly converted it to a charcoal hamburger grilling machine. I had to customize the grill to allow just the right amount of airflow to trap in the right amount of smoke for the best flavor. I fitted two previously intended cookie sheets into the grill just above the gas burners. This allows me to load up plenty of charcoal that needs to be loaded right up to the grates of the grill itself for maximum heat. My heating surface is 16” deep by 24” wide. Loaded with charcoal. That’s a lot of charcoal you say? Yes. To make the perfect burger it’s going to take a lot of charcoal. HEAT is the key! The grate actually sits on top of the charcoal when I start the fire. Then I light the coals. The coals must all be burning evenly across the vast surface needed for the 8 oz. burgers.

Cooking this takes a little preparation. I fire up the charcoal using plenty of lighter fluid. Then I check it in about 15 minutes to make sure it is burning evenly. If not, I do a little tweaking to help the coals lagging behind to get caught up. When I see it’s all burning evenly, I can toss the meat on the grill in about 30 minutes. I let this heat up with the cover down by the way. I can wait 45 minutes if I need to. The intense heat is really rolling now and those flames are licking the air just anxiously awaiting to do their duty in making the perfect ground up cow flesh man can eat.

This has been a process. I make an 8 oz patty that is about 7” across. It is important that the patty not have any cracks in the edges. Those cracks will allow the yummy juices to escape denying you of the taste of a lifetime that awaits. When I place the patties on the grill, I do so without going any closer to the edge of the charcoal below that grate than about 3” from the edge of the heat. I slap those puppies on their now with confidence. Confidence that I have the times, heat and seasoning down exactly to satisfy the most discriminating pallet that I know of on the planet. Mine. After loading all the meat, which takes about 15 seconds, I close the cover of the grill. Then I begin counting the seconds. I return into the house to wash my raw hamburger stained hands and fingers. Then it’s back to the kitchen for fresh foil to wrap the completely prepared meat in very shortly. By the time I get back I only have about another minute of counting to do. 150 seconds is how long that meat endures the first leg of her journey to delivering me paradise. 150 seconds to char the top side of that burger and seal that baby up so the juices stay where I want them. Then the cover is opened and the meat is scrapped from the grate and flipped to the opposite now sizzling side for its bath in the flames of delectable delight. An additional 80 seconds is all that is required. Now this is important.

The burger needs to be eaten soon. Very soon. The longer it sits, the more those juices will escape. The outside of the burger will dry out and the experience will be dashed upon the rocks. I wrap the cooked to perfection meat lightly in foil. Hurry that cookie sheet with its foil covering into the kitchen where the fresh giant hamburger buns are waiting. Slather on that ketchup and bite down on the best burger any human being will ever sink his/her teeth into. I did. I have found my way. I have reached the goal of being able to self prepare the best hamburger in the World, and I can repeat this now every single time. The mystery of the best burger on the planet that had eluded me with fleeting glimpses behind it’s curtain heretofore, has been found out. This must be nirvana and I have arrived…

It was an early morning wake-up call. For what it's worth, the Droid rooster alarm ring tone deterred me from even wanting to hit "snooze." We loaded up the HTV (our "herp transport vehicle"), positioning the critter containers so heat could reach them. Of course, we needed a supply of Red Bull and beef jerky!

So.., what do you do for 8 hours on the road? You make observations and have fun bantering with your travel partner!

Being a native So. California beach chick, here are the things I noted:

Traffic is so not like the 405, one of our major freeways in So. Cal.
Japanese ivy is very invasive - noted lots of the trees and foliage being choked out.

The leaves are turning colors! Am so deprived of seasons in Cali; love how the leaves signal autumn has arrived.

Cows..cows..sheep..cows..horses...cows..llamas..and more cows. The most cows I ever seen in Cali is just up the 5 before Gilroy, where there is a huge dairy farm.

When you hear strange noises along drive, it's probably the frogs calling; we have a set of dumpy frogs in the containers.

Limey and I had some crazy banter during the 8 hours; it's amazing how silly we can get.

"I want a nap"
"Fine, I'll drive"
"But you'll whine"
"But you'll be napping?"
*slight pause*
"But then I'll wake up to a barrage of whining"
"Fine, don't nap"

He eventually napped Wow, that was the quietest part of the road trip!

The Loma Linda University Center for Biodiversity and Conservation Studies is conducting a groundbreaking survey on attitudes toward the environment and conservation, particularly of those who love plants and animals. The results from this study, to be published in a professional journal, will contribute to our understanding of the role of plants and animals in society. Participants are urgently needed to complete the survey, which should take about 5-10 minutes of your time. Please click on the following link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/R9PFYRN

Once the survey closes (probably late November), I will hustle to analyze the data and post preliminary findings here. I think that readers will take considerable interest in the findings...seriously! Please email me a reminder by Christmas if I have not posted an update.

As opportunity arises, I'll try to post more about some of the activities in my research lab. My students and I are studying the behavior and ecology of rattlesnakes and boas, with an emphasis on how snakes use their venom. It's amazing how much misinformation is out there regarding how snakes use their venom and how dangerous they are to humans. Many people, for example, believe fervently that baby snakes are more deadly than adults because they can't control how much venom they eject when biting, and therefore deliver all of it. The reality is that baby snakes have a VERY SMALL amount of venom to begin with compared to adults, there is evidence they can indeed control how much they release (just like the adults), and there is abundant evidence that they cause less severe envenomation in humans compared to adults. I have reason to believe the myth originated in California before the 1970s and went viral across the U.S. with arrival of the internet.

William K. Hayes, Ph.D.
Professor of Biology
Loma Linda University
Loma Linda, California, USA
whayes@llu.edu

Greetings!

It’s been awhile since you’ve seen these mostly because I’m trying to improve their looks and delivery. That means that I have to learn new stuff, which is not easy for me, but it has also lead me to rethink some of the things I do. For instance, I’m working toward a positive op-in feature so you will need to tell me you want these before I continue to send them. From my readings, that’s the most polite way to send these out, but until that comes into being, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BOTHER DELETING THESE FROM YOUR MAILBOX, don’t. I’ll do it for you. Hit reply. Type “I hate these”, or nothing, and they’ll go away, honest.

The Midwest Herpetological Symposium in St. Louis, scheduled to begin on OCT 22, has been canceled due to lack of registrants. I suppose nobody has money to travel.

Snake Day at the Milwaukee Public Museum is NOV 6. The museum is worth the trip, but we’ll be there with live animals that day. The museum is also featuring Frogs: a Chorus of Colors. And on NOV 21, Dr. Kevin Zippel, program director for Amphibian Ark, will lecture on the amphibian extinction crisis.

Photo by Jim Rowan.
The first annual Turtle and Tortoise Preservation Group Conference will be held at the Mesa Marriott (which I think is in Phoenix) NOV 18,19.

The Illinois Natural History Survey is posting online keys to Illinois species, starting with reptiles and amphibians. So you can tell that broadhead from a five-lined skink.



Well, you thought you knew about the link between alga and some salamanders, but did you know it went this far? No you didn't, because this was just published. Thanks to Mike Dloogatch for sending this to me.

I often don't remember how I stumble across some of these. This is an old piece from 2006 on NPR, but it's still funny and a warning to all of you would-be toad lickers out there.

Sometimes it seems as though there is only bad news. First frogs, now snakes in decline. From the BBC with links. Mike Dloogatch sent this one also.

How about a blog with a series on toads? Here's the first. I think that it's interesting. This is found on the Tetrapod Zoology blog, another of my favorites.


Some species of snakes may benefit from fragmented forests. Some probably don't. Still an interesting article. Link to original paper.

I looked and this was the best version of these MRIs I could find, and I have no idea why they’re on this website. Nevertheless…awesome.

It’s an article from the Onion. You know it’s funny. If only it weren’t so true.



Below a winner in a National Geographic photo contest. Patience…

Why do the British get all the really good nature shows on TV, such as the one written about in this article. I want to be able to view these!

That's all for this time. I keep hoping that these will get better. Remember that all members are invited to the board meetings. The next is OCT 15 at the central Schaumburg Township District Library. Get involved! Have fun! Vote in the upcoming elections (all of them)!

John Archer
President
Chicago Herpetological Society
president@chicagoherp.org

I have a 5 yr 20lb toroise. I'm in the process of building her a new enclosure. Currently for the past 2 weeks she has been pacing and trying to climb out of her enclosure. She actualy cause a small laceration on her neck from her carapace. Question #1 can I file part of her shell where it feels sharp by where I thinkshe lacerated her neck on? Number #2is ther anything to feed her to help satisfy her huge appetite. Also can anyone recommend any enrichments for her to keep her busy.

Lets see who really knows their poo.......
My wife made a little "pooman" and is very proud of it so lets see if anyone can guess what type of snake this came from?